Inspiration and Drive...

I haven't written in this for a long while, so I’ll do so now. Plus, I think I should get into the habit of writing again, considering that I’ve taken a very long break from it.

For the past week, I’ve been busy polishing off ‘Wilted’ and applying for more library work and marketing and PR roles. As much as I hate to admit this, I got a job interview. Now you are probably thinking, “since when was getting a much needed interview so shameful?”

Rest assured, it never was and inevitably never will be. In fact, it is like finding a pound coin on the street, especially now as we are in a recession. Yes, I was excited, so much so I was stressing about what to wear for my interview (I hadn’t bought my pencil skirt yet!) and what the hell I was to say. But alas, I should consider myself lucky that I used Google to know where the company was.

In the option bar that flags down when you’re typing something, I could not help but notice ‘Bradford Marketing scam’. At this point I was intrigued and the option led me to a series of forums where past graduate employees ranted about how awful the company was. The interviews were never conducted professionally, the employers never told their employee what they would be doing, using the “you’ll see when you get there” to brush them off and the job was 100% commission based. Fair enough, if you’re persuasive enough to sell, fine. But I know for certain I could never do it and the fact that the company is known to send scam emails puts me off. I’d much rather go through another batch of application forms and vacancies.

Since then, novel writing has been stagnant. I spent my free time this weekend spending time with my brothers. Not together as a three, but individually, as the oldest lives with my parents and I and the other has his own house. Saturday saw me lunching in Nandos with my oldest one. My parents, my other brother and my sister-in-law went to Wales to visit a Hindu temple, leaving us to look after the house and prepare our own meals. Yes, we were lazy that afternoon. But I did make pancakes that morning, so I wasn’t THAT lazy!

Regards to the lunch, it was the usual order of Chicken burger and fries. But this time, we decided to order dessert, something we’ve never done before as we never noticed the desserts menu. I have to say, Mango Sorbet was a mistake. I ordered it thinking that it would be a mango puree. Instead I got a slushed ice-lolly that pained and numbed my mouth. I think I will opt for a cheesecake next time.

Sunday saw me and my other brother take a trip to the cinema to see Inception. My sister-in-law couldn’t make it as the only showing was at 4 and she had to go to work by then. I have to say, it’s easily one of the best films I’ve seen this year, alongside Toy Story 3 and Kick Ass. Not only were the action scenes original and mind blowing, which includes a fight scene that takes place in a revolving hotel corridor, but the story flowed brilliantly. Even the sub-plot, which is normally treated as a filler in other movies, tied in with the main story. Christopher Nolan really knows how to tell a story.

Personally, I think it is better than the Matrix

*ducks down to avoid the tornado of items being thrown at her.

Yes, there are many who will disagree, but then, I remember the horrendous sequels that followed. Sorry, but the first movie has been destroyed for me since. Besides, I liked the debonair feel of Inception, whereas the gothic leather jackets and the black and green pallet of the Matrix, although cool at the time, seem a bit tacky to me know. There’s other reasons why I preferred Inception (and no, it won’t be another fashion and style remark), but I won’t go into them.

Anyways, I will go back to the novel this week. After watching Inception, it has given me the drive to develop and polish my own story into a final product. Tommorow will be hectic as I will have to shop around for a pencil skirt for my Graduation and send off a parcel, but I will have a full afternoon devoted to writing.

Feedback and wedding

Hi there,

Thought I’d update again. I’ve received feedback on my short story and so far so good. My friend Janet did some close reading on it and picked out a few grammatical mistakes that I stupidly overlooked. Luckily they were only one or two, so I’m getting better at my proof-reading. Considering that no-one has faulted the content, or the story as some would say, I’m guessing its all good to go for sending off. The only issue I have no is how to write a covering letter to a publisher. I think it’s time for another Facebook status update for advice…

Other than that, the weekend has been very good. My cousins from London came to visit, as a close family friend’s son was getting married. Yes, I we do go to a lot of weddings. After all, the summer is the wedding season for us Asians. Who the hell wants to get married in the hail and rain, or even the snow?

Anyways, the cousins stayed for the weekend. They spent the Saturday with my brothers and me at my brother’s house, as my parent’s house was crowded with visitors. We watched ‘The Losers’ as we munched on samosas and spring rolls. It was very much like the ‘A-Team’, but as have not watched the film version, I can’t really compare and comment. Even though the storyline was a bit of a bore, Chris Evans and Jeffery Morgan did make for some good eye-candy.

We were going to watch Kick-ass after and as I opened the laptop to download the file, I realised that I needed my brother's password and he had just left to pick up my sister-in-law. So, we were forced to watch the X Factor. Well, I was but my cousins enjoy laughing at deluded people.

I’ve always found the X Factor to be pretentious and money-grabbing, using young attractive people with very little charisma to sell a few million copies before dumping them like skets that have just been shagged. Not only that, but for years I’ve found the audition stage very tired. Watching deluded people trying to convince the world that they can sing isn’t fascinating or funny anymore. Or so I thought. I’m going to be honest; I did find last weekend’s show hilarious, particularly the group with the Chinese girl, Indian dude and single mother. It wasn’t so much that they shouted and screeched painfully throughout Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’. But more because of Cheryl’s shocked faces and the fact that both the judges and audience went deathly silent after their performance, as the group panted and grinned. Inevitably, the Chinese girl asked, “H-how did it go?”
But for me, the ‘Release Me, Release You’ woman was the highlight. She was the kind of auditionee you don’t feel guilty laughing at, as she herself wasn’t taking it seriously and didn’t seem too convinced that she was great. Despite my enjoyment, I won’t be ‘tuning in’ in future. It is the kind of show you either watch because you’re bored, or because you’re forced to watch it.

After that followed Pizza and custard on cake as we watched ‘With Love from Paris’ with Jonathan Rhys Meyers and John Travolta. Unfortunately, it was very mediocre. If you want an idea as to how mediocre, think Daredevil. Not only that but it was very predictable…well, to my cousin anyways who guessed who was behind the terrorist attacks. And Meyers and Travolta didn't make a good match either.

Anyways, the wedding the following day was lovely, although tiring. We had to drive to the groom’s house, where my dad encouraged me to give the groom money, with the help of my aunt. Yes, this may seem silly, after all, how hard is it to give someone money? But, when it comes to weddings, you need to do some symbolic hoo-ha before you give the money, which unfortunately made me look like a tit. I dipped my finger in the red paste, and as I was about to put it on the groom’s forehead, he told me to put it on his forehand. Then came the pinch of rice. I had to ask my aunt twice if I really should put it on his forehand, because it seemed a bit strange to me, considering that it’s always stuck on forehead and never anywhere else. And to top it all off, I dropped a few notes as I gave him the money. Yes, I really am a dork. But one I’m proud of :)

It was a two hour journey on the coach to Bolton, which was where the wedding was taking place. The staging area looked stunning, with its Roman pillars, pink and white drapes and matching lilies and roses. It really made me wonder what it would look like if the drapes were maroon and cream, with gold painted roses…and how I would look underneath it, in a white and red wedding dress. Yes, it is always these occasions that bring about these musings that only last a few weeks.

The journey back was a very tiring one, resulting in a nasty headache and stomach ache (the latter was due to eating crisps on the coach). Luckily, I’ve recovered now. But I’m missing my cousins already :(

WILTED

Hi there,

Only a short one today. I got back into the habit of writing after reading Chris's script today. I think it was because the script conjured an urge for me to write something modern with modern characters. It is probably why I have lost a little interest in the novel of late...I am just burned out with writing in an elegant voice with Lord of the Rings/His Dark Materials style characters.

I finished the first draft of the short story ‘Wilted’, which I hope to submit to Tindel Press. Well, it’s not so much of a short story, more of a semi-autobiographical piece, for I happen to be better at writing autobiographical pieces. It is written from the point of view of a grown British Asian woman who recalls her romance with a white guy and analyses her parent’s oppressive attitudes towards the choices she makes. As I have said in another blog, the inspiration was taken from a novel I began for the module, ‘Writing the Novel’, about an Asian girl who embarks on a friend with benefits relationship with a white guy when she gets her heartbroken and begins to fall for him.

Since finishing university and taking up yoga/meditation again, I have become a lot more perceptive. All the times I have felt angry at my parents for having certain expectations from me I began to analyse…for the first time. I must say, it was a good experience; it made me look at my life from a completely different angle. I have already learned that understanding is the best way to quench hurt and anger. At the end of the day, it is a refusal to see things from the other’s point of view that makes you do frustrated at the person for behaving the way they are behaving.

The hardest part of writing was trying to go back and think about what it was that made me fall for my ex in the first place. As my friend Nicola said, I must go back and remember the feelings I had for him. At first I was a little reluctant, as some of those feelings did creep back when I arrived in Edinburgh, resulting in my eyes glazing a little. But now that I have gotten over him completely, thanks to a conversation I had to Birmingham David a few days ago, I found writing down feelings I do not have a little difficult. In fact, I wonder if the words come across as a little empty to the readers, but I won’t know that until I get feedback.

Currently, I have uploaded the piece on my Facebook notes in hopes that my friends and Creative Writing classmates will give me that much needed review. I am not sure if the publisher would mind an autobiographical piece, but hey, it’s the best I could come up with :)

A misery that drives us...

True happiness and confidence aren’t free gifts that comes with beauty or success. They are gifts rewarded from the ugliness and failures of your life and learning to embrace how they have made you a better person.

No, I did not take that quote from the internet or heard it from someone else. Surprisingly I made it up myself.

Over the past few weeks, I have been doing yoga. Don’t get me wrong, it is not a new hobby…it is something I have been doing for the past four years on and off. Most people think it is a pointless pretentious exercise where people sit cross legged holding their palms out as their index finger and thumb touch. Not to mention, the gentle exercises that any person can do. But for me, it’s much more personal.

I do this for more relaxation than to exercise. It relaxes you and allows you to think clearly and objectively, without your emotions butting in and distorting things. It makes you understand and accept things. For years I have felt like a big kid in a small kid’s playground. I never really understood the competitive and selfish attitudes of most people. “I have better clothes than you”, “I have a prettier girlfriend than yours”, “I have a better car than yours”…“my dad can beat up your dad”. Ok, no sane adult thinks the last one, but to be fair, it is exactly the same silly mentality.

But worse than that are the people who cannot be happy for another person’s success. Yes, we all have misfortunes in our lives. I mean, there were times in my life where I felt that I desperately needed something to be happy. But I never resorted to all consuming hate and spite that a lot of people suffer from as a result being emotionally and materialistically deprived of what they see as important.

It made me think of a conversation I had with Birmingham David last night. I told him about my Life Writing piece that I did for the module ‘Autobiographical writing’ and that I uploaded it on my Facebook notes. To my surprise, he told me that he had read it and said that it was very good. I then explained to him that it was the most painful piece I had ever done, because for years I have always felt the need to come across as though I have the perfect life, one free from emotional pain and insecurities. I must say, I felt it was very embarrassing to admit that I was the uncool kid at school that was always ridiculed. David assured me that I should never have felt like that in the first place, for it is the past that makes us who we are today.

I have to say, I agree. There is a difference between someone who lets the ridicule and humiliation poison them and another who uses the two to better themselves. I think it was because of my experiences that I was determined to try harder at secondary, for it was always the clever kids who were popular and well-regarded in primary school. I was also success driven, determined to become a fashion designer when I left school. I only changed courses because I was not enjoying designing and the atmosphere at a fashion environment was always snooty and high-maintenance. It just wasn’t for me. I am a happier person now. There is nothing wrong with my life at the moment and I am grateful for everything I have. No I don’t have an Aston Martin, my wardrobe isn’t filled with Burberry and Ben Sherman outfits and I don’t look like Halle Berry, living in an environment where one can enjoy what one has. But quite frankly, I don't need these things to be at peace.

These musings have made me think about stories. One of the major fantasy tropes is that the downtrodden protagonist goes through a few obstacles and gains the reward he or she is rightly entitled because of their suffering. For example, Harry Potter spends the first 12 years of his life being badly treated by the Durselys, who feel that if they treat him badly enough, they may quench the magic out of him and make him normal. But then discovers that he is as famous in the wizarding world and has a cool scar to prove how special he is. Now if he discovered those two facts when he was a child, would he have been as down to earth? Probably not, but then, I don’t agree that someone is born good or evil, as much as JK Rowling shows it in her novel.

It has made me think about my own novel. Even though it is very much about the protagonist’s emotional and psychological development during his journey, I have totally forgotten about how one’s down-trodden past is vital in making them the hero that they become. After all, self esteem isn't dependant on what we achieve, but how we achieve it..

Overcoming fatigue and frustration...

Hi there,

Thought I would attempt to update. Yes, I am aware that I have never used ‘attempt’ before, but since I have been struggling with writing over the past couple of days and managed to write 1000 words today (YAY!), I thought it would be safe to record in this log.

Deep down I feel I should not be writing in this. If I write too much, I will end up with what I had been suffering from over the past two weeks and a half and believe me, it is not pleasant. I felt frustrated over the last few days. I took a week off. I even went on holiday and turned my emotional fatigue into a physical one by climbing a mountain. But it felt like my remedies have been fruitless as I stared at my screen and could only get out one or two sentences.

It really was pissed off. I got a degree in Writing, meaning that the only proper jobs I will be able to apply for will require a lot of writing. I am writing a novel, that I want published and my friends want published because they love the first few chapters that much. But how could I do any of those things if my brain does not want to function creatively and moans every time a writing job is at hand? I am dependant on the fact that I can write.

As sad as this sounds, I even had to google ‘cure for writer’s block’. The most prominent advice was writing a journal. But alas I could not bring myself to write a journal over the past few days. Even that was a lot of hard work. I just did what everyone told me to do…have a rest! And read a book…yes, it was Birmingham David who told me that.

I read Terry Prachett’s ‘The Last Hero’, which I’m enjoying very much…do give it a read. Already, it is giving me ideas on how to improve my characters, because at the moment even though they have basic personalities such as the feisty, bad-tempered Tom and mild-mannered Peace-maker; I would like them to have activities and interests that not only says a hell of a lot about their characters, but also makes them very real and distinct. Although how I am going to show that, I am not too sure at the moment. But I will leave all of that until redrafting.

At the moment, I am really happy that I managed to write 1000 words. I am going to spend some time reading action scenes, because the most climatic prominent scenes are coming up and I want them to be well-written. I also think reading time will be great for inspiration, even though I have already planned the scenes out, I still think there may be room for improvement.

I won’t be doing any writing tomorrow, for I have just got off the phone with Ashish and we agreed to see Toy Story 3. This will be a good time to chill out and be inspired…

Three Nights in Scotland

Hello again, after a long while...

I came back from Scotland two days ago. Yes, we picked Scotland over Cornwall in the end, not that I’m complaining however. Even though I am a very ‘been there, done that’ person, the land of Lord of the Rings style greenery, tartan and haggis is never boring.

I didn’t get to do a lot of writing during my holiday, because when you’re holidaying with my brother, you hardly get time to sit back and chill and even when you do, you are too exhausted to do anything.

Our first stop was Edinburgh. We spent the hours strolling down streets lined with the usual shops you find in large cities, walking past hot boys in skinny jeans and girls in Topshop dresses, checked shirts and hot pants. But despite the typical features of a major British city, the sandstone buildings and turquoise domes were beautiful to look at. The most impressive building was Edinburgh castle, a stately house on the basalt plug of Castle Rock. The last time my brother and I went to Edinburgh with our dad and cousin, we managed to climb up the Rock and explore. Yet this time, we couldn’t. We needed to buy tickets to enter the castle and it was closing time. Yes, boo times indeed. We then explored the gift shops, which were filled with teddy bears in tartans, Celtic jewellery and whiskey bottles. In one of these shops, they played a Scottish version of Coldplay’s Clocks, in which the piano bit was replaced by bagpipes. Since I am not a music snob, I can honestly say, it was a very good version. The bag pipes gave the song a grand elegance, whereas the original was very indie and enchanting in a Peter Pan sort of way. And no, I am not making the comparison to the fairytale because it was used in that God awful film version with Jason Issacs.

The next day, we drove all the way to Oban. I have been there before in 2006, so I was not really blown away by the boats, the blue roofed buildings and the Coliseum like I was the first time. But still, the beautiful surroundings and peaceful ambience was still refreshing, despite the rainy weather. They took my mind off plenty of the things that bothered me before I went on holiday. The boat ride was particularly pleasant. The wind howled in my face as the boat rolled as though it was belly dancing. I was surprised that I did not feel sea sick, like I always did before. I actually threw up when my family went on a fishing trip in Torquay a few years ago, resulting in the fisherman deciding to turn back to the port. Perhaps my stomach is getting stronger these days.
We saw seals resting on rocky mounds, fish farms and derelict castles sitting isolated on tiny grassy islands. I saw one stately house on one of these mounds, which I guessed must belong to someone very rich. I had to remind myself that the house must get extremely cold in the winter to prevent myself from getting a tiny bit envious.
After that, we went to the Coliseum or McCaig’s Tower as they call it. The man who was driving the boat told us that John Stuart McCaig, the second son of Malcome, built the tower to provide employment for thousands of unemployed people in the area. In addition, my brother mentioned to a fellow passenger that McCaig built the tower because he was impressed by the Roman Coliseum and wanted to replicate it. Whether that is true, I am not entirely sure.
Anyways, the climb up to the tower was a tiring one, as it was one very long and steep hill. It was not as lovely as the last time, where I was able to sit in the shade making a daisy chain and waving at children who smiled at me. Unfortunately this time, the grass was too wet and my sister-in-law was getting very bored.

The following day, we drove to Fort William to climb Ben Nevis, a mountain I had climbed and conquered back in 2006 when I was fitter and stronger. I was not too keen on this at first, for I have been living like a typical student for the past four years – drinking, smoking socially, trading fruits for chocolates and cakes and sitting on my arse as I stressed about writing an essay that Gerry Carlin wouldn’t fault (which always failed). But I eventually decided to go along so I could walk off the ghastly double chin I had developed as a result of too much fast food and English breakfasts since arriving to Scotland. The drive was much more pleasant, as I looked out of the window and marvelled at the shimmering grey lake, forest embellished hills and mountains. As melodramatic as this sounds, the idyllic ambience was heightened by the fact that we were listening to Athlete’s Beautiful in the car.
As for the strenuous climb, I could not believe I forgot how ridiculously difficult it was. I was panting a quarter up the mountain, hoping that my sister-in-law would also give up and demand that we climb down. But surprisingly, she was just as fast and able as my brother.
My brother decided that he and his wife will climb up without me, assuring me that I will make it to the summit if I moved at my own pace, despite my sister-in-law’s pleas that he shouldn’t force me. So I cursed and swore under my breath as I climbed three quarters up the mountain, before fatigue overtook me, which prompted me to call my brother. He and my sister-in-law were nearing the summit and he felt it was best if I began my climb down. Even though I felt a little disappointed that I let the Ben the bastard win, I didn’t feel too let down, as I met a few hot Scottish and Irish guys on the way up and down and the fresh air and much needed exercise made me feel refreshed and healthier.

We spent the last day in Glasgow, which I was not up for because my legs were in pain from the mountain climbing and I was beginning to feel a little home sick. The city did not have the pretty ambience that Edinburgh, Oban and Fort William had…in fact; it looked like any other English city. Not to mention, we got in trouble with the barmaid because my sister-in-law bought me a glass of Pimms and I did not have my ID. It is one of those occasions where I curse bar staff, but I understand now that she was simply doing her job.

I am glad that I am back in England now. Not that I did not enjoy Scotland, because I did. But as the old clique goes…there really is no place like home, even if it is a grubby little craphole like Dudley. :)

A Blissful Phonecall

Hi there,

Thought I would update again, as a means of warming up my slacking brain. I haven’t written anything since the last blog, as I have been way too lazy and I felt that I needed more time to rest. I still need to rest, but since I am getting bored of the elephant orphanage programme my dad is watching at the moment, I decided to come here to try and overcome this annoying mental fatigue I have.
I am currently quite happy, which is a wonderful feeling considering how down I felt this morning. It was one of those times where you are spending way too much time focusing on the quality of your life. I looked around my room. The open wardrobe showed striped tops and Punky Tees that are two to four years old and my DVD collection only comprise of the Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and X-Men films. I really could do with the Glee box set, and then I’d be able to feel actual joy when sitting in front of the TV screen, instead of watching re-runs of TV shows I have already watched 50 times. Yes, I could buy it…when I have enough money to be able to indulge in such luxuries. Not to mention, I have no car and Daysavers have annoyingly risen to £3.50. Yes, Centro really loves to rip us off. This means I have to be quite economical with my days out and unfortunately going out once a week is not enough for me.
But what really got me down was when I compared this summer to the last, where I met someone who made me feel incredibly happy. As I was beginning to wonder when my life was going to gain that zest again and when the hell I was going to meet an incredible guy who will not eventually break my heart, my mum called me from downstairs, telling me that someone wanted to speak to me on the phone.
I scampered down the stairs and into the living room, where I snatched the phone from the table. To my joy, it was someone from one of the companies I applied for; asking when would be the perfect time for a phone interview.
After arranging a time, I put the phone down, grinning. After years of persuading employers to hire me, I finally found one who wants to. Yes I have had jobs before, but only short shifts and most of my work experience comprise of volunteering. I am not setting my hopes up, for there will be competition. But I just hope that I get this job, for it would be brilliant to get some routine and maturity in my life.
In the mean time, I will be taking a few days off from writing…and the West Midlands. My brother, sister-in-law and I have planned to go to Scotland tomorrow, depending if the weather in the latter is good. If not, then it will be Cornwall. Either way I am not too fussed. In fact, I think this is the perfect time to do some camera snapping and note taking with regards to the Edenic surroundings and vast lakes and seas. Moreover, considering that the next part of the novel will be set on a sea, this break will be particularly useful.
With regards to the Asian short story, I was again too fatigued to come up with any brilliant ideas. I think I will be brainstorming over the next few days when I have time to chill in the Bed and Breakfast…